Remembering...

This day 10 years ago was the last day that I would talk to you, tomorrow morning will be the day that your blood spilled. The blood that I saw, the blood that I cannot get out of my head. I remember reading the gruesome details of the report, the details that I cannot forget. I want to forget, I want to not remember, I want you to be here, I want you to know my kids, I want you to know the person that I am, I want you to know that I am not the person you once knew. As the tears run down my face I am forced to remember all the details that I wish I could forget. I am forced to remember the relationship that we had, the relationship that was so hard to deal with on a daily basis. It was so hard to be your sister, you made it so hard and I hate you for that. But I love you and I hate that I miss you so much after all that we have been through, yet here I am missing you. I am sorry for all that you think was wrong with your life and I can honestly say that I never judged you for anything....I know the kinds of things that you went through; I hope that your faith in the Almighty was strong enough to rescue you from your pain. I hate that I feel that I cannot deal with this completely, I don't know how!! I love you, I miss you, and I don't know how to feel about that. I survived our relationship, but how do I survive your loss?

Remembering is painful and I just want it to stop, how do I make it stop.....