Thursday, March 23, 2006

Who I Want To Be Like

Have you ever thought who you would like to be most like in your life? I think about it all the time. Some people may say a movie star or singer or even our Lord Jesus Christ. Though I would like many of the qualities from those people, that's not what I want. I want to be me. I want to find myself. I want to find who I am and be that person with the kindness, patience, innocense, love, frienships, honesty, etc. The list goes on and on. How many people truely find this. How many people can honestly say that they know who they are and who they want to be. How many people can truely say that they are comfortable in their own skin. I am not one of those people. I don't feel the outside matches the inside. I struggle everyday whether I should try to be myself, someone that other people will want me to be, or simply wishing I looked like someone else. I find myself quite often representing a chameleon changing who I am so then other people will like me. I was recently in a situation of accusations of an individual and I, instead of taking that color, decided to defend that other person. That is a huge step for me. It's a huge step because I did it without thinking. Instead of sitting back and just listening and not saying anything, I said don't jump to conclusions about this person. I would normally just think these things to myself to avoid confrontation, but I confronted it head on. Maybe this is a least one step to finding me and being who I want to be. Maybe I'll take 2 steps back tomorrow, but I can be proud of myself today.
So how does a person truely find themselves when they have to put everyone elses needs before their own? How can I be happy within my own skin? How can I feel beautiful from the inside out? Maybe I will never find out, maybe it will have to wait until my kids are older. As of now I feel my only talent, my only purpose, my only meaning is to be the very best mom and wife that I can possibly be and to hope that it's enough for now, even though some days I know that it's not.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Wife or Mom

So I've never done this before. I've never really let people this far into my life, but it should be ok, right? The only people who will care are people who care about me, right? Sometimes we often struggle with who that really is.

I'm a mom of 4 kids and a wife of 1 big kid. I sometimes struggle with what title should come first, wife or mom. Most of the time I struggle with what kid I should take care of first. What needs should come first, their needs or my sanity. I have a 6 yr old stepdaughter who for some reason can never stay out of trouble, a 3 yr old son who cannot grasp that you have to do the number 2's on the potty not in your pants and who thinks that whining is a pass time, a 2 year old son potty training who I know is smart enough to do it, and a 7 wk old baby girl who really doesn't have too much to say most of the time until I want to do something like this. Needless to say right now I'm at the end of my rope grasping for a way to climb higher. Is it even possible with 1 screaming her head off and the 2 boys fighting like their aren't enough toys to go around? Maybe this blog will help me release some frustrations and calm down. My husband is a great Christian man who does everything to make sure that we are taken care of, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough to take care of everybody. He doesn't complain but maybe underneath I'm not doing enough.

Who knows what should come first, Wife or Mother?