Kindergartlish

Noah is starting to read a lot and he is starting to make his own stories by sitting down with a pad of paper and a pencil and sounding out his words to make a story. I consider this way of expression as a whole new language I like to call kindergartlish. Well today he held up his notebook showing me a word that had many letters on it that I couldn't quite decipher.

He says to me, "mom I can read this word."
I said, "really, what does it say?"
He looks at me and in a very determined voice says, "I don't want to tell you."

Apparently he's still learning kindergartlish as well.

Untitled

I am weak, only through you can I get through.

Friendships...

It has been a long time since our family has felt a real connection to a community of believers like we have right now. I have gotten a chance to know some really amazing women in our church, and I cannot express how much that has meant to me. Some of these women are people that I never thought I would even have a simple conversation with. I am very excited to be apart of a community of women that is trying really hard to get rid of the "cliques" and who want to honestly be apart of a COMMUNITY.

Lord, I pray that you bless our relationships and help us to be stronger for you and an encouragment to each other. Please help us to be Godly women who seek your face and and glorify you with pure relationships. Keep us in your sights and guide us to make good decisions that prevent us from falling into worldly drama traps that many relationships face. Thank you Lord for these new friends! Amen

Update

So as an update to my last post...

I was praying with the boys last night when Ben says: "Maybe Daddy can go buy some more of that stuff to make a baby in your belly."

I said: "Sorry buddy, I don't think that will work."

Apparently we needed to consult the boys before making the vasectomy decision.

Out of the Mouth's of Babes...

Noah: Jesus, thank you for Mommy, Daddy, Noah, Ben, Emily, Kiya, and Hunter. Please keep us safe tonight and bring us back together again tomorrow and Bless us again. And Jesus thank you for the flowers growing.

Dad: Amen.

Noah: Dad I'm not done.

Dad: Sorry.

Noah: Jesus please help grow another baby in Mommy's belly. Amen.

Dad: Sorry Noah, Daddy doesn't have any more baby batter.

Pray?

Have you ever needed to pray, but not quite sure how to find the words to express the emotions in your heart? How do I move this weight while I talk to the Almighty? I have found myself in this boat a lot lately. I have so much going on that I just don't know how to speak..what to say..how to express...

I have realized that I do not necessarily need to speak, I need to commune. He can read my heart, He knows what I am feeling, He knows my heart, He knows why I feel the way I do, even if I don't. The most wonderful thing is that He has felt all of these emotions before. He felt them for me, He felt them for you, He felt them for all the people that choose to believe in His marvelous glory! He can take that weight that is holding down my chest, and He can help me to see clearly.

Lord God, let me forever commune with Your beautiful light!

The Rain...

"If that is what it takes to get me to praise you, then bring on the rain"~~Amen

Prayer From the Heart

I pray Lord that you continue to bless my family and guide us in the direction that we need to be to glorify you! I have felt your hand on my heart and I pray that you continue to read me like no one else can. I know that you are the one who is in control and that I am the driver of this mere body, help me to continue to remember that when I feel that things are spinning in the wind. Lord, please help me to overcome myself and my inner demons so that I can be a better role model for my children. Help me through my daily struggles and become the person that you would want me to be~~~~~Amen

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Who knew that going to school with four children could be so CRAZY! I feel like I rarely get time to breathe these days. Good news is this semester is almost over then on to the next....

As for life outside school, Uggh...Tony is still not back to work, kids are finally done with soccer, and we have to get them set up for fall sports already. Of course they all want to play something different so I alone will be pulled in 4 different directions. Not that I'm complaining because I love to watch them out there with their little cleats running around with all of their friends (I can't wait to watch Noah in all his football gear!) ...really there's nothing cuter, it's just difficult doing it all by myself, that's the problem. It is the getting home from school at 4:30 to eat by 4:45 then be cleaned up and all the kids changed into practice clothes and out the door by 5:15 to get to practice by 5:30 and then hurry up and wait for an hour (or more once football practice starts) to get home and get ready for bed, get vitamins, brush teeth, read, pray, and tuck everybody in (who all have there own bed time rituals) Once all the kids are actually in bed and done getting out of bed for the bathroom and drink excuses, I then end up staying awake until 3am doing homework and get up at 6:30am to do it all over again. All of this while Tony is at school (he doesn't get home until after 10pm)....Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining just stressing out loud....I love my children and would not want anything more than them, except maybe a couple more hands and more hours in the day. GOD BLESS COFFEE!!!!

Understanding

I have been struggling with whether or not I should post this. I wrote a paper for my Comp I class last semester about a very traumatic event in my life. While writing this paper I found it to be very therapeutic. It helped me immensely to get some feelings out on paper, so I thought that it might also help to share this experience so others could understand some of why I am the way that I am. Let me give a little background: My brother and I never had a very good relationship, it was very physically and emotionally violent. We never had a "normal relationship"and I never thought that we ever would. One day, April 15, 1999, Jonathon was in a fatal car accident and my life changed forever........

Absolution

As his hands clamped around my throat like a vice, darkness encapsulated the room. Just before the room turned completely black, one person from the crowd came to rescue me from a bleak uncertainty. As she struck the back of his head he loosened his grip enough for me to escape. I fell to the floor gasping for air, wishing that I could run so far away that this moment would be lost in a blur of memories. He stormed out of the house leaving me there with my rescuer bent by my side.
I hadn’t seen my brother, Jonathan, for two months. Then one spring day, there he was knocking at my door. He was wearing blue jeans with a t-shirt and looked quite disheveled. He seemed taller to me, his hair was messy and he had circles around his eyes. His face was worn and tired. He asked me to forgive him, said it would never happen again. Like so many times before, I did.
Jonathan had many problems in the past. In my opinion, many of his tribulations stemmed from a traumatic incident that happened to him when he was about 11 years old. He was severely burned by a jumping-jack firecracker that was shoved into his flannel shirt pocket by a so-called friend of his. He also had a butane lighter in that pocket which resulted in an explosion on his chest. The end result was a lot of time spent in the hospital with many skin grafts and a young boy’s unknown rage. That young boy turned into a man who on countless occasions took out his misplaced anger on his little sister, me.
It was a cool crisp September night. The air wrapped around me like a sweater cozying up next to my skin. I lived in a small apartment above my parents. I had gone downstairs to see Jonathan because I noticed that his car was in the driveway. I walked down my stairs, through the breezeway, then up the five steps to get into my parents apartment. As I walked in I left the door to the breezeway open. There were cupboards right in front of me and a refrigerator immediately to my right. I saw my brother’s friend Jason. He said that Jonathan was drunk and acting crazy.
I knew this was bad news, so I tried to get out of the line of fire as quickly as possible. As I went to go back to my apartment, Jonathan stormed in the outside door. As he barreled in he was yelling. I couldn’t understand his words. I just knew that I needed to escape the situation. I tried to inch my way out the door telling him, “It’s ok, just calm down,” but he seemed to be closing in. I needed to get out without making him feel threatened. I knew his temper and it terrified me! Next thing I saw was Jonathan leaping up all five steps and heading straight for me. I didn’t have enough time to react and there wasn’t enough space to move out of the way. He slammed my head into the cupboards behind me. I felt myself falling and my head was spinning, everything was going dark. Once I realized I was sitting on the floor, I tried to make my way to my feet and unsteadily get to the phone in the next room. I started screaming,
“I’m calling the police! I’ve had enough of this and can’t take it anymore! I’ve been dealing with this crap almost my whole life and I’m not going to end up dead because you can’t control your anger!”
The police arrived in only a few minutes. He begged me not to do this! Suddenly, he swung his fist and hit the police officer square in his jaw. The officers wrestled him to the ground and cuffed him like a common criminal. I had tears pouring down my face and I wasn’t sure that I did the right thing; after all he is my brother. He was erratic, and in a strident voice pleaded, “Amy, don’t do this!” There was nothing I could do now, he hit the police officer. I couldn’t change my mind if I wanted to.
After that night he had to appear in court. The Judge wanted to hear what I thought his punishment should include, but he didn’t want to make me face him. Instead, he had me write a detailed letter to him explaining the punishment that I would like to see happen. My letter requested him to be remanded for a period of time along with alcohol and drug rehabilitation. I also stated that I love my brother, but could no longer put my life in jeopardy. Therefore, I suggested he be required to attend anger management classes. The Judge put what is known as a PPO (Personal Protection Order) in place for one year. He also ordered Jonathan to attend counseling for the alcohol and anger management.
Six months later I made a phone call to my mother, but my brother answered the phone instead. He was right down stairs. He wasn’t supposed to be there. I said nothing, yet he knew that it was me. I felt compelled to answer him, asking, “What are you doing here?” He replied with an apology, like before, but then there was something else. He went on to say that he missed having a sister, he had taken me for granted, and wanted to talk. I should have hung up the phone. Instead, I replied saying, “I miss the brother that I wish you could be. I cannot be around the brother that I have.” I went on to tell him that I would not live in fear of his very next rage episode. He assured me that he was working on changing and wanted me to give him one more chance.
We had one great month of an amazing brother-sister relationship. We were becoming friends, a relationship that I thought was impossible. Then, the unthinkable happened. I woke up to something not feeling right. I looked out the window and there it was, a police car in the driveway. I rushed down the stairs, barged in the door, and there he stood with a grim look on his face. A man in dress blue’s that were neatly pressed with a badge that shined brightly on his chest. I stared at him as if I had never seen a police officer before. When I realized who he was I rushed past him to my mother’s side, where my father also stood, desperate to find out what was going on. She was sobbing uncontrollably, and then she said it. As she said the words it felt as though I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I was trying to comprehend the words that she was mouthing, but I didn’t understand them. “He’s dead, Amy. It’s Jonathan, there was a car accident, and now he’s dead.”
“This is a mistake! You don’t know my brother! You don’t know us! YOU’RE WRONG!” I exclaimed.
My father caught me as I started spinning out of control. He wrapped his arms around me and held me until I calmed down. I knew the truth.How does someone process this? How do I cope? How do I cope with the love, the loss, the sorrow? I coped through the forgiveness, the forgiveness that occurred before the end of his life. I had the opportunity not many people get; the chance to receive a seemingly unattainable relationship with my brother, before he died.

Unemployed

As an at home mom I despise the question, "Are you employed?" If they want the real answer it would be yes. I am a cook, baker, taxi driver, maid, banker, judge, juror, prosecutor, defense attorney, therapist, nurse, bouncer, referee, hair and clothing stylist, professional discount shopper, laundry attendant, receptionist, student, teacher, artist, writer, mathematician, coordinator, repairman, pharmacist, office manager, photographer and nanny. I am the keeper of the cheerios, the trampoline, the listening ear....
I AM THE MOM! I do have a job....it just doesn't pay much for $, but it has great benefits!

Forgotten

I cannot believe that I forgot about this blog! It feels like so much has changed in a year. Emily is now 2 and a holy terror. She back talks like crazy and antagonizes the boys every chance that she gets. She has a sweet little face, but don't let that fool ya...she knows how to push the buttons. Ben is 4 and currently is in preschool, along with Noah who is 5. They can be best friends and worst enemies. Anyone with boys so close together can sympathize I'm sure. Kiya is 8 and as beautiful and smart as ever. Too smart for her own good sometimes. Tony and I are both currently enrolled full time at Baker College. He also has 2 jobs and considers himself a weekend dad, unfortunately it is true. He is so busy, but he wouldn't rather be anywhere else than with his kids. We just have to get through this time first. When he is with the kids he is litterally no where else. He loves them so much! That makes me love him more and more....
I am struggling with the realization that going to school ultimately leads to actually getting a job outside the home. I am nervous about not being there for my kids if they need me, about not being able to balance work and family, about letting my responsibilities around the house lack. I always dreamed of being home when my children got home from school, having snacks ready for them and being that "Leave It to Beaver" mom, unfortunately I do not think that will ever happen. First of all I am far from being the "perfect" mom and second of all this society almost requires 2 incomes in order to survive in the real world. I am so sick of the cost of living going up like we've never seen before! How is a low income family supposed to survive in this struggling economy? We are feeling the affects so hard right now, thank God we finally got our house financed with a fixed rate! Of course that didn't come without its obstacles.
I miss the times when things felt easier...Tony was youth pastor and music leader(2 things that he loved more than anything), we were in church 3 times a week, we were closer to God, we had a clear direction for our family. It seems that things just get lost in the hussle of everyday life, when do things get clear? My children are my world and I just want them to be happy and have a good life. They are my everything and I am deathly afraid of missing one important minute with them. I have had so much loss in my life and am petrified of any more. You never know what will happen in life, only the Man Up Stairs knows what will happen.

Lucky or Lost

So I guess that I haven't been on here in awhile. Noah finally did get completely potty trained. Now I'm back to square one with Ben. Emily is now 1 year old and walking, laughing, and nothing but joy explodes from her face. Kiya is reading anything she can and getting into as much trouble as she can now that she's the oldest of 7 kids. Tony is in school now and work is crazy, which means he is gone alot. I know that it's for our future, but I miss him sooo much.

Many people think that being able to stay home with their children is either a blessing or an inconvenience. An inconvenience because that means that they can't buy the things that they want, or do the things they want, or even be who they want. A blessing because they don't miss a moment (which can even be a curse sometimes ex: whining, screaming, crying, etc.), they get to see all the smiles, and teach them to love completely (which I often see in my children). What happens when you lose yourself in either? What happens when you can't figure out if your blessed or not? Many people would wonder why I would wonder such a thing. I have a wonderful, beautiful, loving family. It also has grown rapidly, one minute I was engaged to a beautiful loving man, with the blink of an eye (or opening of a letter) I was a parent. Then next thing I know I have 3 more kids of my own. Don't get me wrong, I am a very lucky woman to have so much love around me. My kids are my world, and that's ok. But, some where in the whirlwind, I don't know if I became lucky or lost. I am not only a mom, but also, a woman. Sometimes that is forgotten.

GOAL!

We have just reached a milestone in my house this morning!! My son, my 3 yr old, finally decided to poop in the potty!!! It could be because that I threatened him with taking him back to the hospital to have blood drawn again(for school) if he didn't, is that bad parenting? It wasn't completely a lie though because he has to be potty trained before he can start school and if he had to wait until next year then he would've had to go through it again. Anyway, it worked because HE DID IT!!!! I am obviously so excited about it.

Love

Ok so it's been awhile for this. Tonight my husband and I will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary. We are getting rid of the kids for 2 nights (we haven't done that since our honeymoon 5 yrs ago). I have been waiting to do that obviously for awhile. Only, I thought that I was looking forward to it but it turns out that I am a little sad because I am going to miss them like crazy!!! I am with them everyday from morning to night and I feel like I'm mentally unstable by the time bedtime comes, but they're my kids!! I know that I need a break, but I am so close to them that I breathe nothing but my beautiful loving children. It's such a miracle the love that you have for these little people that depend solely on you. All I want to do is keep them safe and happy. To look at their smiling faces and to know that you helped put that there, that you created this little life, it's more than a heart and a sole can bear. I ache to be with them. I am scared to death for their future, yet so excited to see what kind of influence that I will of had on their lives. With mother's day approaching, I hope that when my children are old enough they will undersatand the love that I have for them and that they will truly appreciate it. Being a parent is so hard because you have to give so much of yourself, but the rewards are numerous. I feel like I'm overflowing in love. When I look into my little girl's face and she shows me that big toothless grin, uhh, it's as close as I can get to heaven right now.

P.S. My step-daughter came home from school yesturday with a Mother's Day gift. I asked her if it was for her mom, she replied "No, it' for you." (Ususally for special days she gives these things to her mom, I get the rest of the stuff so I don't get too upset.) So needless to say I was surprised and so happy. I opened up the gift, because she said I could (she's gone at her mom's for Mother's Day) to find a beautiful hand made card that said "Happy Mother's Day Mama. I love you. Kiya" Well my heart melted right there, then the gift. It was a planter with dirt and seeds to grow flowers. She decorated it with flowers and butterflies. It was honestly the most beautiful wonderful gift that I have ever received. I wanted to burst into tears, she made this very special gift for me, her step-mother. Instead I gave her an enormous hug and told her that I loved it and that I couldn't wait to plant the flowers with her, but first she had to eat lunch.
It's more than I could've asked for from her. She thinks that she gave me some flowers to plant, she doesn't realize that she gave me so much more.

Who I Want To Be Like

Have you ever thought who you would like to be most like in your life? I think about it all the time. Some people may say a movie star or singer or even our Lord Jesus Christ. Though I would like many of the qualities from those people, that's not what I want. I want to be me. I want to find myself. I want to find who I am and be that person with the kindness, patience, innocense, love, frienships, honesty, etc. The list goes on and on. How many people truely find this. How many people can honestly say that they know who they are and who they want to be. How many people can truely say that they are comfortable in their own skin. I am not one of those people. I don't feel the outside matches the inside. I struggle everyday whether I should try to be myself, someone that other people will want me to be, or simply wishing I looked like someone else. I find myself quite often representing a chameleon changing who I am so then other people will like me. I was recently in a situation of accusations of an individual and I, instead of taking that color, decided to defend that other person. That is a huge step for me. It's a huge step because I did it without thinking. Instead of sitting back and just listening and not saying anything, I said don't jump to conclusions about this person. I would normally just think these things to myself to avoid confrontation, but I confronted it head on. Maybe this is a least one step to finding me and being who I want to be. Maybe I'll take 2 steps back tomorrow, but I can be proud of myself today.
So how does a person truely find themselves when they have to put everyone elses needs before their own? How can I be happy within my own skin? How can I feel beautiful from the inside out? Maybe I will never find out, maybe it will have to wait until my kids are older. As of now I feel my only talent, my only purpose, my only meaning is to be the very best mom and wife that I can possibly be and to hope that it's enough for now, even though some days I know that it's not.

Wife or Mom

So I've never done this before. I've never really let people this far into my life, but it should be ok, right? The only people who will care are people who care about me, right? Sometimes we often struggle with who that really is.

I'm a mom of 4 kids and a wife of 1 big kid. I sometimes struggle with what title should come first, wife or mom. Most of the time I struggle with what kid I should take care of first. What needs should come first, their needs or my sanity. I have a 6 yr old stepdaughter who for some reason can never stay out of trouble, a 3 yr old son who cannot grasp that you have to do the number 2's on the potty not in your pants and who thinks that whining is a pass time, a 2 year old son potty training who I know is smart enough to do it, and a 7 wk old baby girl who really doesn't have too much to say most of the time until I want to do something like this. Needless to say right now I'm at the end of my rope grasping for a way to climb higher. Is it even possible with 1 screaming her head off and the 2 boys fighting like their aren't enough toys to go around? Maybe this blog will help me release some frustrations and calm down. My husband is a great Christian man who does everything to make sure that we are taken care of, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough to take care of everybody. He doesn't complain but maybe underneath I'm not doing enough.

Who knows what should come first, Wife or Mother?